End of Season Awards

PFA, Football Writers', LMA: Nobody cares about those awards. It's all politics, eh? How about an honest appraisal of the great and glorious 2013/14 season. And the winners are...

Goal of the Season - Luis Suarez vs Norwich
Oh this was a screamer. No, not the blaster from 40 yards out. I mean the the Uruguayan's third goal to round off his incredible hat-trick. Ball on the bounce, beats a flurry of dumbstruck canaries and pings a flat stroke into the far corner. A ball has never before been hit with such awesome power yet so little loop.

Biggest Flop - Marouane Fellaini
Twenty-seven million pounds. £27 million. £27,000,000! If Manchester United had invested that much in timber stocks they would have got a better deal. Maybe they did considering how wooden the Belgian midfielder's performances have been.

Overachievers - Hull City
Liverpool's unexpected title race ran them close for this honour but the Tigers have roared their way to an FA Cup final and the best league finish in the club's history. In doing so, Steve Bruce dispelled at least three modern myths: 1. Cup success comes at the cost of league form 2. It takes large summer investment to stay in the Premier League 3. Steve Bruce is an average manager.

Underachievers - Tottenham Hotspur
Summer title contenders? Pffft! The Spurs squad is densely packed with over-paid, over-hyped, tactically unsound 'professionals'. In September Daniel Levy was forced to ask himself how he might replace an individual as gifted as Gareth Bale. Apparently, his answer was to sign a selection of desperately average moaners and groaners. Aside from Christian Eriksen, the only other player to make an impact in such a dreary season was a man largely sidelined until Tim Sherwood rescued him from the scrapheap. Yes, I'm talking about you, Emmanuel.

Most Detrimental January Transfer - Yohan Cabaye
Dear Mr Le Blanc, would you please let me borrow a former squad member of mine for a few weeks next year? I would be very thankful. We all miss him. Please!
From your bestest ever friend, Alan Pardew.

Biggest Banana Skin - The one under Steven Gerrard's foot (Liverpool vs Chelsea)
There has never been a more literal usage for the term "title slip".

The Alex Salmond Award for Scottish Pride - Dundee United
With Ryan Gauld, Andrew Robertson, Stuart Armstrong and Gary Mackay-Steven all pushing for a place in the Scotland XI after an excellent season, the bright youth prospects at Tannadice echo with Southampton's similarly impressive academy products. An SFA Cup victory this weekend will have heads turning among England's league clubs soon enough.

Worst Implosion - Blackpool
After eighteen matches without a win the situation at Bloomfield Road became rather ugly. The Seasiders went from being promotion contenders in November to finishing two points off the relegation zone in May.

Richard Scudamore gaffe of the year - Misogynist emails
Not content with alienating every football fan in Britain with his 'Match 39' proposal a few years back, the Premier League chief has subsequently insulted every woman in the world. The press seem to be angry and demanding more blood than Shylock of Venice. Quick Richard, call Andy Gray; he will know what to do.